Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
