I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
