1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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