From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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