he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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