When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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