So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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