why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
