Umm I'm too high to move.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
