I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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