checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
