First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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