Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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