After last night, I could never be a politician.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
