He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
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Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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