On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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