I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
