Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
