wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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