We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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