I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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