some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
