I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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