we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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