oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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