She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
