This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
