guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
