He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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