Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We left an ass print on the piano.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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