Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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