the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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