I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
