...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
