There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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