i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
