my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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