I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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