i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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