dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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