if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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