Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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