Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
