Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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