I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
