Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
