this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
