i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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