It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Randomize
