Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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