I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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