someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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