I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
