meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
