she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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