i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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