I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
