you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
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I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
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I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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